When your Heart HurTs...

  And sometimes out of nowhere it knocks the wind out of you. You have to find somewhere to be alone. You have to sit down because the feeling in your heart is real. It is an ache, a cold sharp reality that comes back to remind you of your loss. A loss you rarely talk about unless you can use it to help someone through their dark day. You close your eyes to see vividly their tiny faces, their little tiny barely one pound selves, so perfect, so wanted, but their fate out of your hands. That is when you start to cry, you cry hard, you cover your face making sure nobody in the house hears you. The three kids and the husband that loves you more than his own life. You don't want them to see you like this because you were just having a normal day and you don't want them to think they did anything to make you cry, because most of the time you can put that pain in an envelope that you tuck away in your heart. You have tried to never let that day define who you are, only let it remind you of how quickly your whole world can be shaken and rearranged without your permission. You let it remind you that only God is in control and that sometimes pregnancy doesn't result in bringing home happiness but sometimes it means bringing home nothing...except empty arms. The pain, it is as real as a migraine headache, it is a literal ache in your heart, deep in your soul....They would have turned 18 last October. But on their birthday, because of Gods perfect healing medicine, I got to watch my beautiful daughter turn 16. That is what it feels like to be held by God. That is what it feels like to know that you are loved individually by your creator. So you sit there and cry it out, you let the tears out and you reflect and you just feel it. Because to try and escape it is like pretending like you don't feel it... and that is not the truth. The truth is... that the ache is a reminder to your soul... that you are not whole this side of heaven. You eventually learn to be thankful for the tragedy that gave you new eyes to see the world. Eyes that don't see things as more important than people.... Eyes that see every... single... minute... with your children as a gift. Eyes that see opportunity instead of inconvenience. When you get off track and start to worry about insignificant things and your eyes see dirty dishes and piles of laundry and boys that bring in dirt as big deals...well...then you sometimes get that wind knocked out of you and have to find somewhere to be alone...so your soul can remember...so you can get your vision corrected...so you can live in the moment with the lives that have been put in your path...This has been my truth.